That is PURPOSE.

Aug 23, 2024

4 min read

Wake up. Shower. Get ready. Wake the kids up. Get them ready. Make them breakfast. Battle the youngest to brush his teeth. Sometimes I’m lucky if we get the front teeth and the tongue brushed if I am being honest. “Let’s just get the bad breath off” is the excuse to get that far. Into the car, do you want your iPad? Or your switch? Which toy do you want today? It’s quite the feat to make it out the door. Preschool drop-off becomes an entirely new debacle and a dramatic body drops to the floor type of tantrum when I tell him Sonic can’t stay at school or needs to be put away. Eventually, I cave in just so I can depart in peace. Bearhug, kiss on the cheek. “How much does mommy love you?” This much? No. This much? No. This much! He says, as he stretches his arms wider and wider and finally as far back behind him as possible. "That’s right". I say. "Have a good day little boo". And out the door big brother and I go and on to drop off number two. Much calmer, much smoother, “love you, have a great day boo” hug and kiss, sign him in and on the road to work I go.

My drive to work can be anywhere between 45 minutes and an hour and 45 minutes. I usually am taking calls, doing meetings in the car, answering emails or texts. All the things I probably should not be doing and should be focusing on the road. But the times that I am not doing those things - I sing. I listen to music- pretty darn loud I might add, and I sing my little heart out. I don’t care who hears or who sees or what they think. Music is my coping skill. My escape. It helps me get through all the emotions from happy to sad and everything in between. It’s the only real “Me” time I have. Without music, I don’t know what our world would do. It truly is the best way for us to express all the unsaid thoughts and feelings we have pent up inside. Anywho...once I get to work it’s go go go time. Staff, clients, coworkers, contractors, partners. Someone always needs something. My to-do list is a million miles long and there’s never enough time in the day. I am in charge of almost the entire operation at my job in some way shape or form I always have something I should be doing. I don’t have an office so I’m always in the field or driving somewhere and am constantly being needed in one way or another. Often my work is never completed and I get home and work more. I get on the road at the end of the day and truck it back another 1.5 hours or so to the family. My family takes the toll because mommy always is working on her laptop or busy on her phone. Unfortunately, it’s usually at the end of the day, probably because of the fatigue and the stress and the lack of eating most days (I generally survive on coffee or a Celsius drink and a mid-day sweet of some sort) but it’s that car ride home where lately I’ve been feeling the day drag out and shift in thoughts and feelings. The low mood. The mental exhaustion. The “I just can’t pinpoint this feeling” feeling. The am I worth it thoughts. The am I doing enough feeling. Why aren’t I happy? Is this what life is supposed to be like? I love my job and what I do- but there's a lot of turmoil in other areas of my life.

I walk through the doors at home and have the same routine: set down my stuff, clean out my drink, say hi to the family, (clean up the tornado as I walk through) upstairs to put on comfy clothes and take off the jewelry, make the kids some food, grab the laptop and back to work I go. Bath and shower time, a little TV, lay in bed with the kids while they fall asleep and to bed I go, not sleeping the greatest I must add. Wake up and repeat.

I don’t say all of this because I think my daily routine is fun or exciting, or because I want props for all I do, or sympathy for the difficulty at times. But I share this because of the emotions I found myself feeling and the questions I find myself thinking. You see, I often get called a super mom when I tell people what I do and they hear I’m also a mom. But the truth is I don’t feel like a super mom. And I know I’m not the only one out there who sometimes doubts herself. I am not the greatest mom or the greatest wife. I know there are moments when I’ve not made the right decision, not given the most attention, raised my voice, chose work over family time, forgot something, or wasn’t able to do what I said. But the truth is- I am doing the best that I can, and that’s all that I can do. And I hope and pray that those little kids are going to remember that Mama tried the best she could and that Mama loved them with all she had. I truly believe that although kids have memories and will remember that some things were not always perfect, they aren’t going to see it the way I am portraying it to myself. We are always the hardest and the worst critics of ourselves. And although I beat myself up some days- I would never talk to a friend the way I talk to myself. So I’m here to tell you super parents out there that YOU ARE DOING GREAT. You are being a super parent, doing the best you can- and that’s all you can be. Find hope and peace in all that you do, even in the moments when you feel low or not enough, and just know that you are killing it just as you are. Feel the heartbeat in your chest and know that that is the purpose, every day.